Chapter 9 - muJdbel

 

muJdbel

If you’ve made it this far, I can be content enough to know that the title did intrigue you. And if you’ve already figured out what the title is, I am gratified to have someone like you in my contacts/followers list. If not, then the title serves its purpose. Because, like a plethora of things going on, in the world, in our minds and in our lives, the title is also Jumbled. And, yes, I am very proud of myself for having come up with such a smart wordplay.

You see, what I have realized in the last few days, after having a lot of conversations with a variety of people, is that we, as a generation, are a group of very desolate people. Melancholy runs through our veins the way red blood cells should. And we not only accept this sadness as a part of us, we thrive in it. Biologically speaking, we are a brain, floating and marinating in a cocktail of cerebrospinal fluids. Metaphorically speaking, our conscience is a blob, swimming around in this magnificent void we call the world. And in the past few years, so much has happened, that this blob has now not only survived the possible worst, but also ingested most of it as a result of being thrown around in this void, and now only has two options – either close the lid on your brain so that your misery isn’t transferred onto others, or let it all spill out on anyone and everyone near and dear to you. The folly, though, is that almost all of us have unanimously chosen the former. And the ones who did choose the latter, have fallen prey to not just the judging mentality of society, but also the ingrained response in us to outcast and ostracize the different. Damn, that got way too dark.

The outspoken do have a benefit, though. They have a wonderful system, wherein the minute their tank gets full, they automatically or consciously, find a way to empty it. They may not always fully process it and they may not always find the best way to do it, but the end result is an empty tank. And that is something I, personally, am envious of. Because I, and people like me whom I know, have a very dumb system. When the tank fills up, we go and buy another tank. When that fills up, we buy another. And another. And another, until we have no other option but to build a dam and empty all the tanks in that dam, and when that wall bursts, everything comes out, all jumbled up. And that is not something many would want to be near. Why? Imagine being told to drink a glass with a mix of all the fruit juices ever made, in the entire world. Imagine that the drink is warm, the fruits used are unripe and now imagine an entire bottle of that juice being dropped on you. Feels good, doesn’t it?

My point is, that the feeling of experiencing all the jumbled-up emotions at once is not a good one. But neither is the feeling of having it in your head, constantly, rolling over and affecting, nay, manipulating every decision you make. Wanting to pick one emotion to deal with a particular event and choosing a completely different one. Finding the world’s smallest needle, in the world’s biggest haystack, without a magnet. Depressing? Hell yeah.

But, as is the pattern of all the posts on this blog, now would be the time I pose the possibility of a solution. I ask a counter question – Is the solution worth it? What is the point of separating the apples from oranges and the pears from mangoes, when, at the end of the day, all these fruits are rotten? Honestly speaking, no, it is not worth it. Having an assorted group of rotten fruits is no better than having them all jumbled up, because all you want to do is throw them in the trash. But the thing is, most rotten fruits still have a viable seed which has the potential to grow into a tree that can bear good fruit.

Maybe not all the fruits. Maybe none of them, if I am to keep up with the depressing tone I seem to have adopted for this chapter. But is the possibility of finding a seed that could grow into a tree that benefits not just you, but the people near and dear to you worth it? Hell. Yeah. Maybe not every problem inside that jumbled up cocktail in your mind is worth diving into. But there is not just a possibility, but a strong possibility that when you do get to the root of one of those problems, you will find a solution waiting for you since the day the problem began. And I say this, not to paint a hopeful picture, not to tell you there is light at the end of a tunnel, but to tell you that I can write about this with such conviction because I have first hand experience of doing this. Why do y’all think I could finally open about my insecurities? I had no interest in airing my own dirty laundry on the internet, but it took me a while to realize that it wasn’t dirty at all. And believe me, it gets better once you do solve one of those problems. It doesn’t take long for you to get on a roll, solve as many problems as you can, forget about the people responsible for the problems and evaluate not what you are, but what you can be without a cocktail messing around in your head. And that applies to alcohol, too.

My point is that you don’t need to have the messiest cocktail in your head to mess it up. It doesn’t matter if it’s two unripe fruits in a glass, or seventeen unripe fruits. A jumbled-up brain is a jumbled-up brain. And it is more than capable of having a detrimental impact on your physical health, your emotional health and, if left unchecked, the mental well-being of those around you. That dam can burst in the worst possible way, at the worst possible time and the rampant destructions caused by floods are no laughing matter.

Besides, I’m not even telling you to talk to someone else about it. If you, yourself can not make sense of the emotions you’re feeling, how would it be easier to explain it to someone with a mind different to yours, in a matter of minutes, in a way that can often lead to misinterpretations and miscommunications? It is like clearing 4^th Standard and then explaining the Math you’ve learnt in the entire year to your friend who is now entering 4^th Standard. He’ll get the basics, but he has no idea about the depth of it. And besides, you’ve just cleared 4^th Standard. You, yourself have no idea about the depths of Mathematics. But what you can do, is remember all you can about 4^th grade Math and then use it to ace 5^th grade Math. And repeat the process. Get to the bottom of a problem, learn the lesson, repeat it. Some of them will be dumb restrictions you’ve put on yourself. Some will be your own mistakes. And some will need a lot of effort for not that great a result. But a year or so of effort, to help yourself get the rest of your life in an untangled way, is better than shielding yourself from the effort of it and suffering your entire life.

And if nothing works, wait. Maybe you need to gain more experience to unlock a certain sector of the map. Maybe you need to complete a different quest before you embark upon this one. Or maybe, you just need to wait and let the flood waters recede by themselves. And believe me, with time, they do. And we humans may be idiots, but we are amazing at one thing – rebuilding.

Speaking of, I do need to rebuild this blog again. The haphazardness of posting patterns is, to say the least, idiotic. These past few months have been about self-actualization, finding a job, catching up on my TBR list, and getting over a horrible, horrible mistake. Y’all know who I’m talking about. However, now that I think I am back and now that my creative juices are flowing a little better, this blog will be a bit more active. As always, suggestions are welcome, criticisms are slightly less welcome, and I look forward to seeing you all in the next one. Until then, stay safe.

 

~ Udit Gor.