Insecurities
Uncertainty is the only certainty there is, and living with insecurity is the only security there is.
~ John Allen Paulos
Finally! I've been waiting to talk about these for so long. And since I couldn't find someone who'd patiently listen, y'all pay the price. Also, this will feel like a hate speech for some of you, and yeah, it kinda is. Besides, it's good that this took some time, because I needed my insecurities to subside and for there to be a epiphany-like revelation, that makes me understand what these actually represent and how dumb I've been to let these affect the people and bonds I held dear. What we will begin with now is basically, me opening up to a bunch of people on the internet about the past I've been so open about anyway. Assuming it's a "bunch" of people reading this.
The thing is, the history of this goes about 6 years in the past - 1st December, 2014. And even though the possibility of her seeing this is next to none, people who know of my "exploits" in 8th standard are aware that the catastrophes(yes, that's what I'm calling all my relationships from now) that have followed since that day have been affected by what happened. And everything that has happened since, has done nothing but piled on. There's been a "just to make my ex jealous", a "just to take revenge on you because the girl you dated before me told me to", a "hypocrisy 100" and a "change how you look entirely and then I'll think about it." Like I said, catastrophes. Oh, and there's also been a "sheer waste of time and efforts." That one was recent. Anyway, y'all know who you are😊
The point is, because of all that's happened, those who know of this almost always tell me, "how and why do you even try anymore? You have enough reason to give up." And it's that second part. You have enough reason to give up. I know people who have one bad relationship, lose all faith in love and miss out on so much, on so many people who could actually be good. Yes, I am advocating for myself. And given the name of this chapter, as someone who deals with insecurities, it'd be hypocritical of me to tell people to let go of their insecurities, because I am aware of the effects these have. How tough it is to be naïve and innocent again after you've not just seen, but lived in the deep, dark part of this world. The sheer degradation of one's self worth, trust issues, abandonment issues and all the issues you can imagine, because this attacks everything. Changes everything and, if left unchecked, destroys everything. And I also know how difficult these become when you either have someone who has no idea how to deal with these. Or someone who doesn't want to. Or someone who feels that they're a burden. Or someone.....I am bitching about my catastrophes again, my bad. The worst part is, sometimes you get so used to all of these, they become a part of your identity and letting go of them feels like letting go of an integral part of yourself.
All of this is why the logical rationale behind not wanting to try their hand at love is totally understandable. Because when something like that happens, the self worth takes a fall, you lose all notions of self love and everytime something undesirable happens, the body, mind and heart are now trained to think the worst. You assume the worst, act on it, and detach yourself from the reality, because reality hurts. So, can we deal with our insecurities ourselves? If yes, how? And if no, what do we do?
The fact of the matter is, I've been saying "fact of the matter" way too much in the last few chapters. And no matter how light I try to keep this, it is going to get dark. Because, as I so morosely pointed out in the last chapter, all you have is yourself. It'd go against the sheer characteristic of insecurities to trust someone else with something as personal as this. And the only reason I am airing out my dirty laundry on the internet, is the epiphany I had. And while that was a lucky revelation based on recent experiences, not everyone is as lucky. And I wasn't either for 6 years. Suffering, making the worst possible choices and throwing myself into catastrophes in the search of an answer that had been inside me for a long time.
The thing is, insecurities prevent you from doing things that make you a human being - love, trust, vulnerability and intimacy. They render it impossible for anyone to love without doubts, trust without conditions, be vulnerable without boundaries and intimate without fears. And even if, somehow you manage to find someone. insecurities will go out of their way to, like I said, destroy it. There maybe some benefits sometimes, because it is a ridiculously cumbersome screening process, and while it leaves out the good ones, it can also help you be safe from the bad ones, the ones who aren't just ready to have you, the ones who can't commit, the ones who aren't worth you, and... Damn it, I starting rambling about a catastrophe again. But that's the thing. They did save me recently, and for that I am grateful. But you can not apply the "the right one will deal with all of them" logic here. You have to deal with these by yourself. And the mantra is a simple five step guide.
Firstly, forgive your past. No matter what they did, how much they hurt you, it's their loss. I'm not saying don't bash them if and when you meet them. They deserve the anger for ruining you, but once that's out of the way, they don't deserve the slightest bit of attention. Not even in your head. Forgive, forget, let go. Secondly, and this is going to sound cliché and dumb, but loving yourself, even till it's borderline narcissism, can not go wrong. Because you will not just accept yourself, but you will make yourself acceptable to others, thereby preventing the loss of loved ones. Thirdly, stop comparing yourself to others. We are all snowflakes. No two people will ever have the same situation and the sooner you accept that, the sooner you realize how folly it is to use someone else as a yardstick. Fourth, and this one is based totally on what I did, do what you do best. After having gone through a literal shit-storm, it's best to stick to your strengths for a while, rebuild that confidence you used to have, and then step outside of it. And reward yourself everytime you do something good. Even if it's something as simple as putting in the USB drive correctly on the first try. Embrace the nerd, the geek, the awkward in you and love it. Lastly, and most importantly, put yourself out in the open. Let there be hurtful experiences, let people walk over you, and while I may refer to my past as catastrophes, I see it as nothing except an experience. A learning curve, with the sole purpose of teaching me what it taught me.
Life is meant to be arduous, but it's also meant to be adventurous. It's not meant to be spent in a confined space (Damn you, China!) and it's certainly not meant to be lived, pining over one person, especially when that person is non-committal, confused and not worthy of you. Be you. The best you, you can be and someone, someday will realize just how important you are. How amazing you are. There's no timetable you have to follow, no world clock which decides if you are late or on schedule. You do you. Cause like I said before, we're all snowflakes.
Lastly, to clear up what I said at the end of the last chapter, blaming extroverts for my insecurities. Am I generalizing? Yes. Am I right? YES. Will I apologize? Yes. Largely because my harshest critic will hate me for it, but also because not all of you are horrible. Some of you are, to an extent, very, very bearable. And that's the best I can do. The only reason I blamed y'all, apart from the one I mentioned above, is because I needed a proper, surprise-y conclusion. As for this one, I'd make a similar ending if I had any idea what I am going to write for the next letter/chapter. It's J or K. And that is why, this time around, opinions are welcome, criticism is slightly less welcome, but (good)suggestions are going to be greeted with a bouquet of flowers and chocolates. Until then, looking forward to seeing you in the next one.
~ Udit Gor.
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