Chapter 4 - Fears

Fears

Yes, another connected chapter. Yes, another one that took a while and yes, another one which is going to get a tad personal. So far, we've dealt with a few well established factors that affect humans in their daily dealings with people. And it is my wish to tie all those factors together with a neat little bow in this chapter, and put an end to this little series of interconnected chapters and start afresh with another topic which I can talk about. However, this does not mean that these are the only factors that affect humans when it comes to confrontation and therefore, I am going to try and dissect those emotions when we get there. I want to proceed with the various chapters in alphabetical order(#OCD) and that is why those factors others will be dealt with when we get there. As of now, F for fears is where we're at. 

We've all dealt with fear, haven't we? We've all dealt with a variety of fears. A fear that has been institutionalized inside of us because of a series of past experiences, or a fear that is extinguished the minute it appears. A fear of socialising too little, and a fear of socialising too much. Fears that are perfectly rational, and fears that are so irrational that you're afraid of even talking about them. Fears that are medically recognised worldwide and fears that are so personal, nobody can even understand those fears. 

Moreover, there are also a variety of ways in which people deal with their fears. But, in the end, all of those methods boil down to two - you either face your fears on a regular basis so that you become accustomed to them, or you run away from them and stay as far away as possible to make sure they are never triggered again. And, the fact of the matter is, we can't decide on one method either. Everyone says facing your fears is the best way to overcome them. That isn't necessarily true. Sometimes, taking time off, disassociating from everything that could lead to pain and hurt does help reach the root of the fear. 

Lastly, if we give it a good deal of thought, we'd understand that almost all the fears we either experience ourselves, or see others deal with are named incorrectly. We don't fear people leaving, we fear the loneliness that follows. We(I) don't fear water, we(I) fear drowning. Over-thinkers don't fear being alone, they fear being alone with our thoughts. And that is why we don't fear taking big steps and huge decisions, we fear the backlash and repercussions that follow such a big decision. And after that fear materializes and causes actual changes all around you, the natural homeostasis that we as humans desire is thrown off balance and that is when regret creeps in. We think about the current situation had we not taken that step, and the imagination we build for ourselves almost always trumps the reality and that is what causes us to go back and press the undo button. 

And that brings us to the question I had asked last chapter - how do we deal with the fear that seeps in because of the resistance and response to our decisions? Simple - you rank the responses. You sit down and you make a list, starting from the people who actually know a considerable amount about your conditions and situations and end at the people who are nothing more than gossip-mongers. You eliminate the gossip-mongers, and do your best to eliminate all the extra spice they've added to your story. Next, you remove the people who talk about your issues merely for the sake of talking about them. After that, you remove the people who are PHDs in giving generalised opinions which they have formed by knowing absolutely nothing about you. Continue this process till you are left with only those people you care for, whose opinions you respect and ones who know your situation, in and out. The people you can trust to not only give you a mature opinion, but also alleviate your fears to an extent. And, if nothing works, we follow what our honorable Prime Minister Narendra Modi says - Aatmnirbhar Bano. Go with your gut, and trust it. 

Instinct is something that transcends knowledge. All humans have certain finer fibers within us that enable us to perceive truths when any and every logical deduction and willful effort of the human brain is futile.

~ Nikola Tesla. 

Apart from talking about the impact of fear on our decisions, another thing that has encouraged me to touch this topic is my recent experience with someone else's fears. What that experience helped me understand is sometimes, we choose something other than the above two options to deal with our fears. We don't face them head-on and we don't run away from them. We let them be. We don't do anything. We don't accept their existence, but we don't deny their existence, either. We don't build walls, but we don't let anyone in, either. We don't consider those fears to be materialistically important, but there is not one decision we take without considering the impact of those fears. These fears don't limit our social life, but don't let us expand it either. Confusing bipolarity, isn't it? Well, it threw me for a loop, as well. And the revelations I had following that experience are the reasons that these are the fears I want to talk about today. 

Firstly, why don't we do anything about these fears? Well, it is because these fears, in the years we've spent with them, have become so near and dear to us, that we don't want to do anything about them. Because those fears have become such an intrinsic part of our personality, eliminating them would be losing a part of our personality. Eliminating those fears would need a series of big decisions to be taken, and the fear of those decisions ruining an integral part of our self causes us to let those fears exist and let them do the damage they've been doing, for we have now become used to the damage and the destruction. 

Moreover, how do we deal with these fears, if we even do? We have become so used to their existence, that letting go of them feels tantamount to leaving your childhood home. Well, in my personal opinion, we can't deal with these fears on our own. Due to the longevity of the life of these fears, they have become insurmountable to cross. We need a helping hand. And how do we choose that helping hand? This time, I'm not gonna leave the answer to the next chapter. All I will ask you to do is refer to the list you made of the people for ranking their response, and you choose the topmost candidates. The people you trust, admire, respect and love. The ones who know you for who you are and know every flaw and blemish of yours, and you ask their help. Rely on the person you have, know and love, even if that person is yourself. 

You can be helping many people, but if you don't help yourself, you have missed the one person you were born to heal.

~ Alan Cohen.

Well, this is it. I can see that this one has been longer than my usual chapters, but I had to tie a lot of stuff together and touch a lot of topics. Next chapter, which is not going to be connected to this, will be me talking about a VERY controversial topic crossing all religious boundaries and notions. What is it about? Him.

~ Udit Gor.